The Spirit
PHILADELPHIA WEATHER

The Strength to NOT Forgive

Guest Opinion


A mong the most heinous and despicable recent acts of violence committed in our community was the cold-blooded murder of Rachel King, the 35-year-old teacher who was shot and killed at a Dunkin’ drive-thru.

According to reports, a jealousy-fueled plot for revenge, wed to a murderer-for-hire’s wanton disregard for life, stole this good woman from the children she taught, the parents who loved her, and from the son who will have to live with the trauma of witnessing his mother’s execution.

My heart broke as I watched Rachel’s parents, Allen and Carol King, searching to find words to frame the indescribable. How does a morning’s quest for coffee and donuts become deadly; and who would be so cold and callous to take their baby girl from them, and her son as he watched? In the absence of answers, all they could do was to bear their loss with as much dignity and grace as their faith might purchase for them.

Then came the amazing part.

Upon learning the identity of the alleged perpetrators, and the reason behind their scheme, Allen King looked resolutely into the unblinking eye of the TV reporter’s camera and said, “I want to do God’s will, and he calls us to forgive…”

Many of my friends and colleagues looked upon that brave man’s commitment to forgive the murderer of his daughter with approbation and admiration. One of my minister friends said to me, “It takes a lot of grace to forgive people who have committed such a heinous crime against you – but that’s exactly what all of us have to be willing to do!”

And as a minister, upon listening to that father’s sincere and heartfelt offering of forgiveness, I am obliged to firmly and enthusiastically reply… uh, not so fast.

Let me be clear and listen carefully. While I believe we must be willing to extend forgiveness to all who might offend us, I am also a firm believer that there are some people who ought NOT to be forgiven! And before you seek to revoke my ordination as a minister of the Gospel, allow me to explain.

Most of us view forgiveness through the lens of spiritual perception; we regard ourselves mandated to forgive people as we perceive ourselves to have been forgiven by a gracious Deity.

As a child I learned the prayer that entreated, “…forgive us our sins, (as) we also forgive everyone who sins against us”. (Luke 11:4, NIV) Those words seemed to imply a clear connection between the way we forgive others, and the way we expect to be forgiven. In short, if God – who is perfect – can forgive me, then I should be willing to forgive others.

But there is a caveat! Because though God appears willing to forgive EVERYONE, it also seems that forgiveness isn’t just unilaterally extended; instead, it appears to be a conditional proffer.

For example, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins (1 John 1:9) And… “If my people… will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin.” (2 Chron. 7:14)

That “if…then” construction implies a conditional arrangement. “If” you do (X), then I will do (Y)” It’s a sort of contractual agreement, based upon certain conditions being met. Apparently, forgiveness is transactional, and part of a bilateral exchange.

And when you think about it, it makes sense. Forgiveness isn’t simply about the need to unburden one’s self by letting go of inner hostilities and grudges — God doesn’t need to be therapeutically unburdened. Instead, forgiveness seems to be part of a larger process designed to lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness aims to restore broken relationships and heal schisms created by offenses, and we should see forgiveness as an opportunity to turn the page, leaving past wounds and breaches behind.

But that opportunity offered by forgiveness is totally contingent upon the offender being willing to “leave the past behind.” For example, if you hit me in the head with a brick, and I say, “I forgive you” but you say, “I still intend to hit you in the head with a brick,” our relationship is not restored, we are still in a broken state!

My extending forgiveness only has efficacy if you (the offender) are willing to say, “I will no longer hit you in the head with a brick.” Only then can we move on to a restored relationship.

Forgiveness is contingent upon the offender’s acknowledgment of their offense, and their intention not to carry their behavior into the future. In the religious world this is called “confession” – acknowledging the wrong and pledging to forsake the offensive behavior. From a spiritual perspective, this is how we get forgiveness from God; and conversely, this is how we are to extend forgiveness to others.

Which brings me back to the heartbroken and grieving father, Mr. Allen King.

While it is gracious and healing to demonstrate the desire to forgive – and while carrying hatred and/or a desire for revenge is toxic and self-harming – a desire to forgive must be met by a willingness to confess!

I have not heard ANYONE confess ANYTHING as it regards Rachel King.

When a person has offended, and is unrepentant in their offensiveness, it is destructive to allow them to live as though all is well, and they are in good standing with you. That’s what forgiveness implies.

If a person borrows money from you every week, but never pays you back; yet you continue to lend them money like all is well, you are contributing to their being a bum – and to you being poor. You cannot act as if a relationship is restored until the offender acknowledges the wrong.

In our desire to be whole, and to live in a world of restored relations, it is healthy and good to demonstrate the desire to forgive others. But unless, and until, others admit and acknowledge their wrong, we cannot forgive them; we can only want to.

And until there is a meaningful and sincere confession, we have to find the strength to hold offenders accountable, and to disallow them from enjoying the privileges of living freely within the context of a society where people try to live without offending.

People who are not willing to confess, should not be forgiven. We may want to forgive them — or extend forgiveness to them — but until they acknowledge the harm they caused, we have to be strong to hold them accountable, and deny them the privilege of living as if they are in right relationship with those whom they have injured.

Until they confess, some people ought not to be forgiven.

Rev. W. Nick Taliaferro is an ordained minister who has pastored three churches in Philadelphia, and previously served the City of Philadelphia as both the director of Faith-Based Initiatives, and the executive director of the Philadelphia Commission on Human Relations. He currently hosts WURD Radio’s evening drive talk show, from 4-7 p.m.

Guest Opinions are the expressed opinions of the writers and may or may not necessarily reflect the views of this newspaper or its management.

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